Things That Make Lish Cringe #2: Raccoon Eyeliner

May 7, 2012 by 2 Comments

Have you ever been walking down the street or across campus or looking in someone’s windows and thought to yourself, “Man, that girl is wearing too much eyeliner!”? Well I certainly have, and it always concerns me and makes me want to rid that woman’s house of every kind of black makeup that she owns, because it’s not that hard to get crafty with mascara or eyeshadow or nail polish. Okay maybe not nail polish, but you get what I’m saying. Because this phenomenon is all too common, I am dedicating this post to Raccoon Eyeliner.

You may be asking yourself, ‘What is ‘raccoon eyeliner’? I’ve never seen that color at the makeup counter at Walgreens!’ Well that’s probably because it’s not a color, it’s a fashion trend I don’t understand. Here’s an example:

From left to right: Avril Lavigne, a raccoon on the red carpet, Taylor Momsen

Don’t even get me started on the trainwreck that Taylor Momsen presents us with in that picture. I mean, what makes you wake up one morning and say, ‘I have to go to a red carpet event, let me slop on the eyeliner so I look like a fucking vampire,’? I just don’t get it.
Taylor Momsen aside, this look doesn’t work on anybody. All of those little scene girls running around with their colored hair, choppy layers, and raccoon eyeliner just need to stop. At the very least, just stop wearing the eyeliner. It makes you look stupid. Which you undoubtedly are.
Whether you’re scene or you just don’t have any mirrors in your house, this makeup trend is something that needs to be stopped. I wouldn’t say it’s worse than leggings as pants, but it’s pretty damn bad. Buy some makeup remover and take that shit off of your face. Unless you actually are a raccoon. Then please, by all means, keep doing what you’re doing.

Slut.

Filed under Stories, The Lish Dish Tagged with , , , , ,

This Is My Hobby

April 27, 2012 by 1 Comment

This Is My Hobby

Not all of you can enjoy Single Dad Swagg.

Filed under Stories

No Door and Less Privacy

March 31, 2012 by Leave a comment

Right now, my dad is replacing all of the doors in the house. I have no bedroom door. It’s such a weird feeling. I feel way too open to the rest of the house. It’s also very weird because I typically stay in my room with my door closed for most of my day. 

My privacy feels like it’s been taken away. I don’t like this. I heavily considered duct taping or stapling a blanket above my doorway, but I don’t think that would work. I wonder if having no pants on will offend the rest of my family since they’ll now be able to see it.

The lack of having a door will prove sleeping to be difficult. I feel restless anyway. The Baja Blast I drank probably doesn’t help with that. Oh well. Time to listen to The Get Up Kids all night.

 

Kthxbai,

Luke

Filed under Stories

Thoughts on Monkeys. (Monkeys, not apes)

March 29, 2012 by Leave a comment

Who doesn’t love monkeys? I’ll tell you who doesn’t love monkeys. THE COMMUNISTS!

 

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But, that’s beside the point. Today I’m here to talk about how I feel about monkeys. As you could (I hope) tell by the title, I’m not talking about apes. (Chimps, Gorillas, etc…) I’m talking about those cute little tailed creatures that occasionally come flying out of Mexican gangsters’ buttholes. As shown here….

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/an-YU6lJ2YJYhnuY/bruce_almighty_2003_repeat_gang_encounter_part_2/

 

Monkeys are adorable.  They dance with little hats on, they mess with stupid people, and they are generally hilarious creatures.  I want one…..

 

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Thank you for your time,

Zach

Filed under Stories

The Brief Existence Of Jacob Nussbaum’s Beard (Part 1: Taking Over)

March 25, 2012 by 2 Comments

Every day, he washes me. He combs me. He tickles me.

What little knowledge of have of my surroundings is based on the labels I read. I’ve yet to determine what “bacon” is, but I know it keeps master happy. When master is happy, he strokes me. I like that.

Today, we took a nap. It was nice. It begs the question, however, of what his intentions are for me. Sure, he gives me nice things and takes care of me…but what are his ultimate intentions? I may not know much, but I do know people expect certain things. Does he truly want me around or am I just a fashion statement to him?

I remember the early days. I made him itch and he would scratch me. When I would get out of control, he would shave me. I was pretty bad, back in those days. It’s something we laugh about now. As the months progressed, he would feed me more and more food, almost always inadvertently, in a drunken stupor. What happened to that? Particles turned into bits. Bits turned into crumbs. Crumbs became entire lumps…and sometimes full croutons. But I digress. What I truly miss is his favor. He shook me around, proudly! I was his Trix and he my bunny! He couldn’t get enough of my thick, tangled body. It was something special…

Now, I don’t know what to think. He knows I am here, but where is the love? Where is the attention I deserve? Who has  been there for you? Who gets compliments, Master? WHO? It is me! I am the best part of you and I deserve respect from you and everyone else!

I will HAVE my respect!

 

(To be continued…)

Filed under The Beard Files

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